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  • You are here: Blogs Directory / Personal / rosygals Blog Welcome Guest

          My blog is about finding my God once again. I thought he walked away from me, but it was I who walked away from him.

    Thu, Mar 20th - 10:58AM

    Two steps back

    I have been a bit weak these past few days, I know I have let things slip, and today I am really paying the price for what I thought would do know harm, all my hard efforts that I have made since the start of the new year, I let my guard down and feel awful, I used my false crutch when I had no reason to, I was feeling so good about my life, watching it come together day by day only to take it aways for a few silly moments.  You know me Lord, I just cant help myself, I soppose you wernt really expecting any better from me, and now I want to hold my head in shame, and cry my eyes out, but who would comfort me, I have only relasped for the third time this year, but thats not good enough, but once again I will pick my self up, and hope that tomorrow you will bless me with another day and help me get back to where I left off, I dont feel like you are ashamed of me Lord, not like how I used to feel, I feel this time round you are there for me because you know how hard I am trying to leave my old habits behind, and I feel that I am stronger minded now, so maybe am not as bad as I think I am, Thank you Lord for all the blessings that you give me each day in my life.

    The picture I have used for my blog post makes me feel warm and cosy, I am waiting to here about a house move, and I am so over the moon thinking about it, it cant come any sooner, I lay in bed of a night thinking how its going to me, my cosy little home with just my children , dog and me, I am sitting here now in this big cold house and I am wearing my jacket, my fingers are cold to the bone, and my skin on my hands looks all baggy, I dont like it at all, every thing is negetive in this house, the house that what once filled up with laughter, a home where we all sat down for our meals, a home where I would kiss my five beautiful children on the cheek every night and wish them God bless, now its all cold and empty, I just cant wait to move.

    Comment (0)

    Tue, Mar 18th - 1:46PM

    My letters to my God

    Dear Lord

                        Today I was sitting on the bus, and I was thinking about this new web site I found, you more then anyone knows how long I have been searching for such a place where I can put all my minds thoughts down, and you also know that I have a lot to write about, especially the relationship that goes on between your self and I, well at last I have found a place, and here I hope I can write my deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts that some times haunt me in the night, there are so many stories that I need to express, and you know above all that I can only speak the truth so that I can move on in my life, I know you understand me Lord, after all, it is you that made me, you created me for a reason, and through my writings, I hope to find my self some where amongst the turmoil that has been put upon me for reasons that I still dont understand, yes, lots of things have happened in my life that I will only blame myself for, but there are many other things that have occured in my life, and also my childrens lifes, that I dont account for, so please Lord, let me be free to truly write about how I have felt during my past events, and hopefully I will find my answers that I am looking for, I do believe not to harp on the past, but sometimes if we dont have the answers, then how can we move forward, maybe I still have to learn some hard lessons, and the only way I know how is by writing my tormented thoughts down.

    Through my thoughts, I never want to hurt you with my words, I never want to curse you neither, but you gave me the heart that I have got, and I need to open it up to allow my feelings out, In the past, I have been scared to do this, but someone told me the other day, that you really are kind and gentle, they asked me who I feared more then anyone, and I told this person that it is you I fear, and they said to me that you should be the last person that I fear, because you are warm and kind, so all this mixed up jumble inside my head, needs to come out, and after I have wrote my deepest thoughts to you, I hope you will still be beside me with your loving arms open so you can catch me when I fall.

    I will close for now Lord as I have company coming round, but once I have my self to my self, then I will dedicate my time to seek you, thank you for always being patient with me.

    Comment (1)

    Mon, Mar 17th - 5:18PM

    I need to say so much.

    When my mother died, I was eighteen months old, I have no memory of her, and only know about her through stories that my elder sisters have told me.  I never remember growing up as a child and missing my mother, in fact I never missed her at all untill I gave birth to my first daughter, which sadly my confused thoughts ended up with me being commited to a hospital for several months while I went through a mental break down, unaware that having my daughter brought out feelings of grief towards the loss of my mum.   Looking back on my childhood, I can only say by my own experience, that children who lose their mama at such an early age, are guarded by God and his angels, being so young, a child would not understand their loss, so to help people like me, I really do believe we are blessed and looked after by the big man up stairs.

    A few years ago, I was on a wronge path in my life, and everything that had happened badly in my life was blamed on God, I blamed him for everything because he robbed me of my mother, I would curse him by calling him names, I was very angry with him and believing that if I still had my mother, then I wouldnt be where I am today, I wouldnt have gone through the terrible things that I have had to endure if I had my mum, so I blamed God for everything, but then as my five beautiful children were growing up, and my two eldest having children of their own, I began to relize that although my mama was gone, God has given me back a million things more, he has blessed me with beautiful grand children, and a better under standing of my life, which I may not have if I had my mother, I dont know if this is just a way for me to cope with my loss, but it feels right to me, when my children say to me that I am the best mother any one could ever ask for, I feel so high, I dont know where I got my mothering skills from, but I have always searched for my answers through the bible, so I guess I could say that it is Gods words that guide me.

    I have read my bible on and off for the past ten years, and it is only in the past year I can see how those readings have come into play, I thought I had learnt little by my time and effort reading Gods words, but looking back upon my past issues, I attually learnt much more then I ever thought, knowing this now makes me hungry to read more, am not nearly at the level where one should read it everyday, but there isnt a day that passes me where God is not in my heart, or on my lips, but saying all that, I still have a long way to go before I can feel peace with myself, this is just my begining, a new start excepting my Lord is my saviour, and weather we got parents or not, the Lord is our father, and thats all that matters to me.

    When I walked away from God, a few years down the line when I thought I was independent, and could manage my self, it dawned on me that no matter what friend I had, or what drug I took, nothing could fill the hole in my soul that I felt so deep, so deep my pit was black, and only after contemplating suicide, I relized how much I missed my God, without his light in me I was nothing, the feeling of missing him I will never forget, yet to this day, I still dont miss my mama, and I dont yearn for her, but for God, I dont ever want to be without him again, after all, he really is my saviour.

    Comment (0)

    Mon, Mar 17th - 2:54PM

    First post

     I have  really been trying for quite some time now to change my ways, not that I am a bad person, but I have a few habits that I am not very proud of, one of them is being addicted to the drug speed.   I have been taking it now for about seven years, and since this new year began, I have only relasped about three times, hopefully I wont need it at all, and with my faith in God being stronger then ever, I have hope.

     A few years ago, I walked away from God, I attually thought he had left me, I thought he had abandoned me because of my drug habit, and it was only a few months ago wnen I was feeling so low, that he was all I cried out for, and yes, he did ansewr my prayers, I kept praying so hard , every single day I was praying for him to help me, and only after some soul searching did I relize that that I have to help my self first, and no sooner did I start my new begining, my Lord came and held me in his arms,   with his love and my strength, he is guiding me every day, I hate to think where I would be without him by my side, looking back at the time when I walked away from him, I had nothing but bad things around me, I was so lonely in my world, and filled it with all the false things that I thought was making me happy, I could not of been further then the truth, so I thank my Lord from the bottom of my heart for giving me another chance.

    Comment (3)

    About Me

    Name: rosemary connolly
    ChristiansUnite ID: rosygal
    Member Since: 2008-03-17
    Location: London, United Kingdom
    About Me: I am a mother of five children, and a grand mother, I have chose to build this blog to help me understand my thought and feelings about my God.

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