Tue, Jun 27th - 4:57AM
A Brief Description of My Moment
I was about the age of 12 was when I stopped going to church. Soccer games were on Sundays and that took priority over church, in my parents eyes and in my eyes. Prior to the age of 12, my parents took me to church because they thought it was what they were supposed to do, expose me to some religion, we went to a Presbyterian church, it was the closest to our house. I was even involved in the youth group and went to summer bible school, but it was all just something to do, to me. I remember some of the stories and some of the activities, but it never sunk in at that age or applied to my life.
I lived my life in my father’s eyes, not my Father’s eyes. I was taught by my dad that your accomplishments are measured by you and by those people who notice them and praise you for them. I was taught that tangible things were a result of your doing good and your reward would come and you would see it, and you would be recognized. My dad was, and still is, a good man. My dad was not trying to do harm and I believe meant well, but I think that’s all he knew, and all he still knows. I pray for him all the time now.
Before graduating high school and going off to college, I had a very difficult time. I developed an eating disorder that continued into my adulthood and into the present and at times became very life threatening. To me, my eating disorder became something to identify myself with, I became special. Both of my sisters became born again in Christ, yet I had no faith. I thought they were joining some type of cult, they were so happy and on fire for God. They said things that I could not understand because I would not give up the ways of my life. I believed something made me and the world, but I did not know, or refused to know God. I became a chemistry major in college and had a difficult time dismissing scientific facts about the creation of the world and all living things. I was not an atheist though, I guess I called myself an agnostic, although it really doesn’t matter anyway.
But something happened one day. It was not when I was at my bottom in life either, I had been there many, many times. I was driving home from a therapy session with my parents that really seemed to go nowhere. I was looking for something, anything that may have come out of that session and could find nothing. Then I looked into the sky and saw something that I had never seen before. A sunset and clouds, yea... that’s it. I had seen that before, but my eyes were never opened to what was behind that. I remember thinking to myself, that no miracle of atoms and chemicals could make that sunset so beautiful, it must be from God. It was then that I cried out inside for God to come into my heart and make everything better.
My journey only started there, at that moment, but would take years before my roots grew deep enough and my seed began to sprout. I continued in my ways, occasionally calling on God and thanking him for sending his son Jesus as an example to all of mankind the power of the Spirit. I was truly confident that when I accepted that fact that God exists, all else would fall into place. However, I continued to measure my accomplishments the way I always did, and my eating disorder worsened and began to take over my life. I met a man whom, after almost 5 years of ups and downs, I clearly now believe was put into my life from God, my husband. He has been the soft voice of God for so many years, we have been through so much together. It took years before I actually began listening to God speaking to me, through my husband or whom or whatever. It may have taken the recent death of my mother-in-law, or a series of events leading up to that for me to understand and listen to God now. Something has lit a fire in me recently and made me open my eyes and my ears and my heart. I have now noticed God all around me, reminding me every moment He can through my two brothers in Christ, at my new job, my father-in-law’s voice, my mother and a rainbow that I jokingly asked God for, and in a moment, he gave it to me. I believe my seed has begun to bloom into something beautiful, almost 6 years after I confessed Jesus as my savior. I know that I need to care for this seedling and nurture it and work very hard in every way to keep it alive. I pray to God to let me continue to care for it. I know the journey from here on out will be difficult and wonderful at the same time. I feel like a child who finally has a protector, I feel like a student who finally has a mentor and I don’t feel so lost anymore. That’s my moment.
Comment (2)
|
Wed, Jun 7th - 5:10AM
Reflections
I hold on tightly to my childhood. I am often the only (almost) 30 year old who loves to spark up snowball fights in the winter and water balloon fights in the summer. My husband makes fun of my playfulness all the time, although he often has fun with me, it's always my idea to do stupid childish things. My neighbors had a pig roast last year where they had those big blow up rental "moon walks," ball quicksand tanks and sumo wrestling stuff, well you know I was on that. And I really didn't have a problem that I was the only adult! I hold onto things too, remember those beany babies, I love them. I only have a few, but I can't seem to get rid of them, they're sooooo cute! And some other stuffed animals from my childhood, I've managed to get rid of all but one teddy bear, that I keep in the guest bedroom closet to occasionally take a peak at, then close the door. It comforts me. But, for the most part, my childhood comforts me when I get caught up in the 'human' side of my adulthood. It's the only time that I can remember being truely as ease with my life, no worries, no demands from anyone, no demands from especially myself (which I believe those demands on myself in my adulthood is one of my greatest sins). During my childhood, I NEVER thought about the future, about food or clothing, now in my adulthood, it sometimes sickens me how much I think about these things.
I was reading Matthew last night (the first book I've read more then a few pages at a time, I am new to reading the bible, but everyone says to start with Matthew, so I decided once to listen and I felt Jesus speak to me about my worries) And Jesus said I tell you not to worry about your life...God knows what you need...put God's work first and do what he wants, then the other things will be yours as well. Don't I know God? Well, for 6 years I've considered myself a christian, and claimed to know God. The only thing is that I think my seed is only now sprouting and I am learning that to know God, I must give up the things of the flesh. And most importantly build that relationship that consists of talking to Him all the time, not just when I worry or need help with my messed up human life. Its so simple right? I don't think so! Well I know now that I have a lot of work to do. Just my thoughts!
Comment (4)
|
Tue, Jun 6th - 7:11PM
I woke up
I think I finally woke up to God these passed few weeks. I accepted Jesus into my heart over 6 years ago, but still hung onto the ways of the flesh. This was my downfall, although I knew I was a sinner, and thought my way of life was OK, as long as I said those sacred words. "I invite you into my heart Jesus." And I really have believed (here and there, of course when it was convienent for me), just now, it seems so much different. My mother-in-law passed away on May 21st of this year, and since then I have seen such miracles, in my husband's family, in my family, and in me. I believe, now, that God never makes a mistake, and all of my hardships in life were (and will still be) for God's plan. He took my mother-in-law and left me with a greiving husband and father-in-law and family to see, and man...did that open my eyes, praise God! I now pray that I continue to grow with the Lord and hope that I have established some roots.
Comment (5)
|
|
|
| About Me |
|
| June 2006 |
|
| |
|
|
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
4 |
5 |
6
|
7
|
8 |
9 |
10 |
|
11 |
12 |
13 |
14 |
15 |
16 |
17 |
|
18 |
19 |
20 |
21 |
22 |
23 |
24 |
|
25 |
26 |
27
|
28 |
29 |
30 |
|
|
prev
|
next
|
|
|
Name: Candrin Dumtari
