Sun, Nov 25th - 11:57PM

Hello again!

I recently received a notice that someone had left a message on my blog (Hi, Michael!) and I realized just how long it has been since I posted here...a whole year.  So much has happened in the last year.  At times it has seemed as if time had almost stopped it was passing so slowly, but when I look back over this year I realize that SO much has happened.

My stepson passed away last December.  I still feel guilty when I remember that upon being told of his death my first thought was "Thank God."  Thank God that he was not in pain any longer.  Thank God that he was now with the Lord.  Thank God that we could now begin the long slow process of learning to live without him.  I never knew how much it changes people to go through something like my family went through last year.  My youngest son became very depressed and spoke of suicide many times over the last year.  He started counseling and I believe he is finally beginning to recover.  This last year has truly been a walk of faith in trusting God to take care of my son.  One night in particular stands out in my mind.  I was so worried about my son and I was praying that God would help us through this situation.  I heard so clearly in my spirit to "use your faith as a shield."  I told God that I wasn't sure how to do that and He brought scripture after scripture to mind that showed me exactly what to do.  One of those scriptures was Isaiah 54:13..."And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children."  I have prayed that promise of peace for my child many times over the last year. 

God has been so faithful to help us through this year.  I have felt His presence with me more this last year than ever in my life.  I always have a sense that He is beside me holding me up and being my strength.  What we went through last year was almost more than I could bear.  I know that God will not let more be put on us than we can bear, but I think last year absolutely took me to the brink of my endurance.  I have had to learn to be completely dependent upon Him.  I would have said that I was dependent upon Him before this happened, but I wasn't.  Not this way.  It's one thing to be dependent upon Him for guidance to get through the next week or month.  It's something else entirely to be dependent upon Him for the strength to face the next minute.  I wish that nobody ever again had to go through what we went through last year, but there is something so precious in experiencing the reality that God will never leave us.  I love Him so much.

It has broken my heart over the last year to watch my husband mourn.  He misses his son so much.  He still has his heart hardened toward God, but I think I am beginning to see some cracks in that hard surface.  Please say a prayer for him. 

Sun, Nov 26th - 8:15PM

Consequences of sin

I'm back from visiting my family for Thanksgiving.  It's so great to get to see everybody gathered together in one place.  This year we were missing several people as the kids are growing up and have other committments and couldn't all make it home. 

There have been several things recently that have really opened my eyes to the far reaching consequences of sin.  Someone I know is going through a very difficult, painful situation that has its roots in a sin that was committed about 25 years ago.  His family and entire life are being destroyed due to the consequences of this sin.  The sin? Fornication.  Just last week I found out that a sin I committed over 10 years ago has the potential to destroy everything careerwise that I had planned for the rest of my life.  My sin was that my exhusband and I lived together for a period when we tried to reconcile after our divorce. 

The world wouldn't think much of either one of these sins.  In the eyes of the world, who even believes that fornication is a sin anymore? Yet in the case of my friend, families are being destroyed and a church is being shattered.  In my case, I have spent years pursuing an education in a field where I may never be allowed to practice.  I'm scheduled to graduate in a few weeks with highest honors, summa cum laude, but will it turn out to have all been for nothing? I guess I should explain that my ex was abusive and there are multiple police records where I had to call for help.  These very cries for help could possibly keep me from fulfilling my dreams.  I've been open and honest with those in authority in my school from day one and they didn't feel that there was a problem, but it turns out that the state may feel differently.  It looks like I'm going to have to request medical records detailing counseling sessions that cover not only the abuse that occurred in my marriage, but also some VERY painful things from my childhood.  Not only might I have to submit these records to the state, but also to every company at which I apply for a job.  Can't you just see your average Joe Blow in an HR department reading through every detail of my private life? Some things are so full of pain and shame that you don't want others knowing about them.  I'm really having to cling to God through this.  It hurts so much.

Anyway, back to what I was saying...Sin has very far reaching consequences.  Look at the life of King David.  Not only did his child die, but his family was in turmoil and Absalom tried to overthrow him.  If we could ever see all of the consequences of our sins before we sinned, I don't think we would do most of the things that we do.

Do you think the good things that we do have consequences that are just as far reaching?  It doesn't seem right that the consequences of bad things would so outreach the consequences of good things.  Maybe the reality is that the consequences of our good actions stretch to Heaven and are eternal.   That makes me feel much better to think of it that way.  Good does triumph in the end!

Please pray for my friend, his family, and his church.  They're hurting.

Wed, Nov 22nd - 1:22AM

Thanksgiving

I will be leaving in the morning to go out of town for Thanksgiving and won't be back until Sunday.  I probably won't have a chance to write until then, so I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!  Let's all remember the true reason for this holiday which is to thank God for His provision in our lives during the previous year.

Father, I thank you for helping me through this last year.  It hasn't been easy, but your grace is sufficient.  Because of your love and care for me through the last year I can sing the old hymn "It is Well with My Soul" and mean it.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tue, Nov 21st - 6:12PM

Following God

I get so confused sometimes when it seems that everybody has a different belief of who and what God is and what the bible actually says.  I decided yesterday to truly study the gospels, not just read through them.  I want to know God better and how better to know Him than to study Jesus? After all, Jesus said in John 14:9 that "He that hath seen me hath seen the father." And in Hebrews 1:3 we are told that Jesus was the "express image of His person." I am asking God to reveal Himself to me through His word.  I don't want someone else's interpretation of what God was saying, I want the Holy Spirit to teach me.  Isn't it wonderful the way the Holy Spirit can open your eyes and your understanding to a scripture that you have read seemingly hundreds of times before? I love those moments of revelation.  What was hidden is suddenly so plain that you wonder how you could have missed that so many times before.

I started in Matthew last night.  I was reading chapter two where the Magi followed the star to Jerusalem.  They spoke with Herod who sent them on their way to Bethlehem.  In verse 9 we are told that the star went ahead of them.  I always took that to mean that the star was leading the way.  But last night I really noticed verse 10 for the first time..."When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy." The Magi had followed the star all the way to Jerusalem and then it went ahead of them to Bethlehem.  The Magi continued on their way to Bethlehem without the star to guide them.  They traveled on to Bethlehem trusting that God, who had led them that far, would show them what to do when they reached Bethlehem.  When they reached Bethlehem, the star was already there over "the place where the child was." (v.9)

Now I don't know about you, but if I were following a star that God had provided and it suddenly left before I reached my destination, I would be full of doubt.  I would be questioning myself where I had gone wrong. Had I grieved the Holy Spirit? Had God given up on me? When all along, God's provision was already there, waiting in Bethlehem. 

This verse may have been something that was obvious to everybody else from day one, but it just really stood out to me last night.  Maybe God is trying to tell me something. I think I let all the stressors that are currently in my life cause me to doubt God's continual love and presence.  I need to relax and trust that even when things seem darkest, God will never leave me on my own.  He already has the answer to my problems ready up ahead, I just have to continue in Him.

Mon, Nov 20th - 8:20PM

Help us, God

My husband and I just got back from visiting my stepson.  He is incoherent today and saying bizarre things.  I think cancer must be one of the most horrible ways to die.  I look at my stepson now and it's so hard to reconcile what he is now with what he was just a year ago.  Watching the life slowly seep out of someone until there's nothing left except an empty shell is so difficult.  He's so thin now that he is literally skin and bones.  He's so thin that I could actually watch his heart beating between his ribs when we had to take his shirt off.  For a week now he has been talking to himself saying that he wishes he would go ahead and die.  How much suffering and pain is enough? When is it okay to start praying for someone to die?

I hear my husband crying out to God asking Him to take him instead of his son.  What do you say to something like that? What can I offer in the face of such pain? The only answer is God and he doesn't want to hear that.

My husband is becoming more and more angry with God.  He says things like, "God gave His son and now He's taking my son, so I guess we're even."  I understand the anger, but he's cutting himself off from the greatest source of comfort there is.

God, we need your mercy.