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When I buried my son, everyone used God as a way for me to feel better. Problem is, their saying that God planned it or that God wanted my child for His angels, etc only led me to become angry at God and turn away from Him. I also feared He would start taking all my other children. So trust me when I say, even if you believe that God's Will is what made people die, you will only cause the grieving person to become more upset at God--and leads to some leaving God completely.
Just listen--be there for them and tell them that they are in your prayers. Show them Christ's Love but keep human opinions out of it. Let them find God once again by your actions, as they work through their grief. It took me 7 years of darkness but I now know that, God never left me, He didn't take my child from me (but is holding him in His loving arms), and He loved me so deeply when my pain was so severe. It was the acceptance of fellow Christians without thumping me over the head with religious words that brought me back to seeing His Face. I am truly blessed.
God Bless,
Kelly
2006-06-17 03:31:53 Posted by Kelly4Jesus ()
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I lost my mother 16 years ago and the most well intended condolences are futile. There is nothing to say and it only makes matters worse when people scramble to come up with an answer. One thing that I have found in myself, when trying to help people through a crisis, is that I have an overwhelming urge to defend God and His actions. It didn't last too long when the Spirit of God made me know that I didn't need to defend Him, He can take care of Himself. Offering up the simple confession that we don't understand either, offers more consolation than anything else.If people need to scream, shake their fists at God, get mad, etc., we need to know that it doesn't effect God, He understands that emotion, His Son died too. As Kelly said, "just let God love them through you". No judgements, no condemnations, no worries...God has it under control.
In His Service,
2006-06-17 09:19:11 Posted by Teri ()
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I'm sorry, and I understand that people mean well, but it irritates me when people start to try and cheer up the grieving with religious words and I know it's probably irritating them too. No words are going to help at this point except the words I care, I love you, It's okay to be sad, you're not in this alone. I'm here for you if you need me.
I think part of the problem is that we try to say something to fix things right away without getting to the heart of the hurting. Ask questions. Ask God to give you the right questions. Get to know the person. Let them vent and express their emotions. Don't judge, don't defend...just listen, even if you don't agree with them or they get something "wrong". If you disagree with them or preach at them, they will just clam up. I think that if you really get to know where the person is coming from, you'll be in a better position to really help that person. Sometimes all somebody really needs is just for someone to listen.
In Him,
2006-06-17 10:41:19 Posted by Jeanette ()
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Thanks guys. Very insghtful answers. Two main points that I am getting are
Don't try to defend God. He can handle that.
Show His love.
In some situations, it might help to ask "What kind of God did you believe in before this happened?"
2006-06-19 11:19:12 Posted by Jon ()
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I like the summary... we don't need to defend God... but what's hard is when the person who is angry at God and they look at you and DEMAND an answer to why a loving God could allow a child to die. How do you answer when they box you into that corner?
2006-06-19 23:34:10 Posted by HollyMag ()
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It feels wrong, but I think the best answer to Holly's situation is still usually greta loving sympathy and an admission that we don't really know... But we do know that God is the only answer.
2006-06-21 12:18:18 Posted by Jon ()
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I used this question, and your comments, in a discussion last night. It went very well. Our kids came to the same conclusions. I was proud of them.
2006-06-22 11:18:58 Posted by Jon ()
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