To my young friend,

You asked me about 'when you know when it is time to have sex in a relationship.' I didn’t mean to be glib when I answered - “When you’re married.” Now that I think about it, that was a bit glib, though very true. I didn’t mean to just cut off conversation so quickly. So here is a more considered reply to what you asked.

It is true that the sex act is reserved for marriage. But in a way the whole relationship is about sex and the things that lead up to that one act are not so well spelled out. I recently heard a very good talk with a young pastor’s response to the question, “How far is ‘too far?’” His answer was, “That’s the wrong question, we should be asking, ‘How holy is ‘too holy?’” The point is not how far can we go our own way, but how close can we get to God. It seems incongruous, doesn’t it? Getting close to God by means of our relationship with someone we are dating, but it isn’t. In fact, it should accelerate our relationship with God, because we should be learning more about God through our relationship with that other person. God is the great Other, just as the person we are dating is other than us - the other gender, another way of thinking, of looking at the world. As we experience learning about the other person we should also experience learning about God.

My dear friend, the first thing you want to do is ground your relationship in prayer. If it is embarrassing to pray together now, when you’re trying to please each other, imagine how hard it will be if the relationship leads to marriage? If your friend finds it hard to pray, that person might not be a believer and 2 Corinthians 6:14 tells us not to yoke [bind or tie ] ourselves with unbelievers. This probably seems “unmerciful” or “judgmental.” It is the most merciful thing in the world! How unhappy will the unbeliever be if they find that they don’t have access to you on the deepest level of your heart, where you and Messiah meet? How alienating and rejecting that will be to be left out of the happiest place you exist. As for judgmental, you practice judgment everyday. When you choose to be kind, you’re using good judgment, when you decide to eat ice cream instead of supper, you’re practicing questionable judgment, and if you decide to jump off the Empire State Building without a parachute (even with one!) you’re practicing bad judgment. Dating someone who does not share your faith, and at the same maturity level or more is bad judgment. It reflects not on the person you’re dating, but on you because you’re making a choice that may effect negatively the rest of your life, and your children’s lives and even beyond their lives. I always liked this saying: ‘If he (or she) won’t go to heaven for you, why should you go to hell for them?’

Maybe I should have said this at the beginning, dating is for marriage. If you are not at a point in your life where you can or want to get married, don’t date. It’s just a mistake to put your emotions out there with no realistic way to gratify those feelings. If you’re inclined to eat chocolate, but for whatever reason know you shouldn’t eat it at this time. Don’t buy a chocolate bar and put in your backpack - it’ll get all beat-up and you’ll be thinking about it until it will be very hard to resist. All that spiritual and emotional intimacy will make resisting the physical very hard. Don’t date unless you’re planning to marry soon, it’s just torture otherwise.

Back to prayer, this is always a good place to go. You should begin and end your dates with it. That way the Originator of good marriages is kept at the center of the relationship. Have you noticed God is represented as a trinity? That’s what you and your mate (or future mate) should form - you, your mate and God as a trinity.

As for the kissing and necking, my personal thought is: wouldn’t be nice if the only person you’ve ever kissed is the person with whom you’re partnered for life? There are a variety of reasons for this. You never have to worry about what sort of shenanigans your partner was involved. Your partner is also freed of that worry. There’s no torment about whether you are as good at anything as their previous lovers; you don’t have to worry about diseases; you can be easy that your partner is as inexperienced as you and you can learn together. There’s a saying that I can’t find the attribution for right now, but it goes something like this - some think that loving many women is what makes a man. But a real man is some one who can love and satisfy one woman her whole life. Scripture tells of Mary and Joseph who were betrothed, they had not been married yet, but when he found her with child, he had to “put her away” get divorced, not just “break up with her.” He needed to do that so people knew that the reason Mary was pregnant was not him. It was a life or death decision because if the community chose, they could stone her to death. This is how serious a matter like this is.

Even more than this there is the problem of once started, it is difficult to stop and it natural to progress. One kiss leads to two and so forth. One very important thing to do is set boundaries on what you find mutually acceptable, and it needs to be the one who wants less who prevails. This is the way of our belief, bearing one another’s burdens (Ga 6:1-3). We must care for the “weaker brother” 1 Corinthians 8:11-12: Thus by your ‘knowledge’ this weak person is destroyed, this brother for whom the Messiah died; …so when you sin against the brothers by wounding their conscience when it is weak, you are sinning against the Messiah. If you or your date cannot abide by this now, it will make marriage extremely unhappy. It’s a good idea to create this atmosphere of respect. If either of you find respecting the other person’s boundaries difficult or impossible now, you’ll find this to be true for the rest of your relationship.

I want to be very clear about this. If I think that kissing is restrictive behavior, please understand that any sexual behavior is off limits. This includes anything that leads to orgasm, or gets one near that point. Sexual intercourse is not the only sexual act that is restricted. Do not do anything you would be embarrased if your father or mother would find out you are doing. Remember your Father in heaven.

The next thing I want to talk about how we treat each other in the form of the types of promises we make by our behavior. I’m not talking about kissing and petting, I’m talking about how we dress and act towards each other. How we dress and how we talk is as important. There is good instruction in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7:

We know about holiness in church - respect, reverence, seriousness. How does this fit with such a wild thing as love and passion? It should, because we should be wild and passionate about God. That desperate feeling that we would do anything for Him, but we know we must be ruled by His will. Anything will not do. Only the right thing will do. The same for the man or woman we love. If we love them we must be even more sure we “do not wrong him (or her) in this matter.” One of those things is recognizing how God has created us so differently, so marvelously. Men are highly sensitive visually, and to make promises with the way you dress would qualify for “taking advantage” and it’s wrong. It is fun to be admired, but to elicit that admiration wrongly is dishonest. Women are extra sensitive emotionally, and to make tacit promises of love to get more physical intimacy is also lying. Admiration or friendship is not love, false promises in this area are as if you made false promises in a business dealing.

This leads to me to another issue rarely spoken about - the man’s role in safe-guarding the woman’s chastity. That's the joke about the intimidating father with the baseball bat, he's taking his role seriously in this matter. The role goes from the father to the husband. This is very important to be understood. If a man will do this, when they are married, their sex life will be so much sweeter because his bride will be able to trust him, she learned to trust him before they married. If a man will not guard a woman’s chastity, it is worth asking if he has the maturity for a relationship and marriage. It is also questionable whether he is someone one would want to marry. It is a gift the woman offers him at marriage, if he wants to steal that gift, what does that say about him? Ephesians 5:25-27 tells more about this:

Messiah wouldn’t cause a blemish, wrinkle or spot. A man worthy of marriage would not do that either. He will accountable for the happiness or sadness he caused his wife, as will a woman be before the Master. She, too, must be an active participant. The washing of the Word indicates that Bible study between the two of you is also quite appropriate, and a good habit for you to be in together. All this is to make a good marriage. Messiah is very clear about building a good foundation, building upon the Rock. Sex is God’s idea. If we follow the principles He lays down for it, the wonders and joys of it will more readily available to us within the boundaries of safety and security He has provided for us.