Thu, Mar 23rd - 9:47PM
Tonight Ive been sitting back kind of deep in thought..With the lost of our sister from church its brought about alot of thoughts about my life, my friends and family and mostly my husband and children...it made me think of how much i'd miss them if something was to ever happen..and how much i'd probably go crazy....
mostly it made me realize that we dont know when one of us are gonna pass..and it makes me want to love the people who are special to me more than ever...its time to do things right before its too late...time to love those who need it most..and time to reach out to the ones here that is special to me...
Tonight Lord my thoughts are centered on what you are doing in my life...You are working so much that i can barely see what is happening but I know Lord that you know what is best for me and that you are in control..Father, help me not to go by what I see...but to lean on you to guide me..I came to Texas in blind faith..help me to live the rest of my life so secure in you that i dont have to see what is before me..
Lord I love you with all my heart..you are my savior, my comfortor, my friend,,there is nothing in this world that I wouldnt do for you because you loved me and knew me before i was even born...you are my Alpha and Omega...My beginning and my end..you are my rock, my sword, my strength..you are my refuge..my deliverer..and it is you that i will serve for the rest of my days..i give you all the glory, the honor and the praise..in Jesus mighty name, Amen and Amen
Tue, Mar 21st - 12:25PM
at a loss
My heart is torn at the moment...I keep thinking of the lady from our church who passed away this past sunday..She has impacted so many lives because she wasnt afraid of diving in and getting her hands dirty to work for Jesus...She was her husbands back bone..The spiritual head..she led him, and i can still hear him telling our pastor how much of a blessing she was to him and how he didnt know how he would ever make it without her..
It still amazes me to see a couple so in love..so nurtured by each other..but yet when there is death, the hurt and pain is so evident..even when you arent around the spouse that remains..
I keep thinking about my husband, all the fears i had when he had to go to Iraq and what would have happened if something had gone wrong..im so very thankful that he was spared and that he is back in the states safe and sound..
I also keep thinking about this sweet sweet woman who lived her life to serve God to the fullest..she impacted everyone around her..her life's dream was to make sure that the hungry in our community was fed, not only physically but spiritually too..She lived her life to serve others..the way Jesus said that we were supposed to do..
I want to impact everyone around me, not only family and friends, but everyone that i come into contact with..especially those who are hurting and alone..those who are truly the unloved..they are the ones who need to see Christ's love..the ones that have never had someone love them just because they are alive..That's what Jesus's love was all about..it wasnt just to die to save us..he lived his life and impacted everyone around him to the point that there is no other name that has been debated more..no other name that is so well known all around the world..and no other name that has more power just by speaking it..He was truly someone who was true and good and that is how i want to live..i want to be like Jesus..a radical, enthusiastic, loving person...
Lord you know the pain that this precious woman's husband is going through..I ask Lord that you reach down right now and just take him into your arms and comfort and hold him..give him peace Father ..we know Lord that she is there with you and that someday we will be there and meet her once again...I can just see her, tears of joy streaming down her face because she is looking into the eyes of her Abba Father..
Oh Lord how I long to see you..to be able to hear you say, Well done my good and faithful servant..
Help me Lord to be a true witness for you in all i say and all i do..You are the reason I live.....
In Jesus Name
Amen and Amen
Sun, Mar 19th - 12:57PM
Stepping out in Obedience
For quite a while now God has been dealing with me about my smoking habit that I picked up when I was 11. I've quit several times, to only go back to it a few months later..Each time it seems to get harder and harder to stop....the last time I only lasted a week...
Last Wednesday night was the last night of revival at my new church. We'd been having some awesome services, and I went to church with full expectations of seeing God move in a mighty way. Well, when we got there at the beginning of service, I was distracted to the point that I was havin to push through worship..I had to force my hands to stay in the air...Each and every time i lifted them, it felt as if a weight was dragging them back down...I sat and squirmed through service..because I knew God was speaking to my heart...
That night the guest speaker had three or more altar calls..Still yet I fought. I didnt want to go up because he had been calling things out..and i knew that if i went up, he'd pick up on the smoking and i didnt feel i was really ready to quit..or was it that i just didnt want to?
Anyways..I finally turned to Carrie, shaking..and told her I really wanted to go up, but that i was a little scared so she offered to go up with me..When he motioned for me to walk up to him, my knees got really weak..And i was shaking all over..He placed his hand on my head and told me to place my hands over my stomach..he then said that something was changing inside me and then proceeded to ask God for a fresh annointing on my life..Then he started to walk away, buit instead turned back to me, and placed his hand on my head again and said "Lord, take the taste from her"...i knew immediately what he was talking about..but after church i went to talk to him and asked for clarification..he told me that he honestly didnt know but he had to speak what the Holy Spirit had given him..i told him i thought i knew..and he asked me what and i told him i was sure it was about the smoking issue and he shook his head yes and said for sure..
all night wednesday night and into thursday i still fought it...but it got to the point that i couldnt anymore..so when carrie and i talked again about quitting, we both agreed to get those commit lozenges and give them a try..we went and got some and we havent smoked since 4 pm thursday...since then its been on and off with the cravings..yesterday was probably the worst for me..i was moody and grumpy but i made it through with God's help..instead of giving in, i reached for my bible and started studying..as long as i keep myself in prayer, in the word and not sitting idle, im good to go!!!
I believe in my heart that i am being healed from both diabetes and smoking..And i wont go back..ive made a commitment to God, Carrie, Stacie and myself. and by faith and with God's help i will make it through!!!!
I'm so thankful for your love...You Lord are more precious than silver, more beautiful than anything on this earth..Lord i know that with you holding me, carrying me, guiding me through this., that i will succeed....Lord you promised in your word tha tyou would never leave nor forsake us..You said to come to you with our burdens and cares and worries...I am here lord because I need you to take not only the taste, but the little images that pass through my mind..Father you promised healing, delieverance and I'm waiting right here with my eyes on you... YOu Lord are all I need in my life. I want to live a life that's pleasing to you and i want to live it in such a way that satan will go running scared. You are the author and the finisher..and i praise you with all my might...
I just want to give you al the glory the honor and praise
IN Jesus name
Amen and Amen
Thu, Mar 16th - 12:42AM
With All My Heart
Lord tonight I just want to praise you..I love you with all I am, with all I have and all I ever hope to be..You are Lord of my life..My redeemer..there is nothing on earth or in heaven that matters to me more than you..
Father you mean so much to me that words just cannot express how I feel for you..So many times, I sit and try to praise and the words dont come and i just sit with tears falling down my cheeks. The silence at those times can be so satisfying because I feel you so near to me..
Your touch sends warmth all around me. Your voice caresses me as you whisper to me. You are my all in all...my everything..I am nothing with out you Father God in my life. Your love means more to me than life itself because without you I wouldnt be alive..You gave me every breath that i breathe..Every second that I live is because you gave me life..Before I was a thought in my parents mind, you had my life planned..I know Lord that you have set me apart and that you have called me to be where I am now..To worship..and I will worship you all of my days..
You are my Abba Father, My savior, My Jesus...You are my rock, my anchor and refuge..
I love you more and more every day..there is nothing i wouldnt give to be yours..I am your child and will hold to your hand for as long as you give me air to breathe...
Wed, Mar 15th - 9:51AM
Yesterday wasnt a very good day..I dealt with alot of emotions..and said and did somethings i didnt mean..I wont go into details because its over and done with and praise God things are ok now..I just wish that I hadnt given in and taken it out on my dearest friend..it seems that whenever i am dealing with something, she is the person i lash out at and i dont like that..she's done so much for me, been there when no one else was...it hurts me to know that i could do that to her..but every time she forgives me and I thank God that she understands and is so patient with me, even when I know that she feels like turning away..
Thank You Lord for bringing me someone who never turns away..I know Lord there are times when I give into my emotions and I know that isnt the way we are supposed to live. Thank you Lord for forgiving me, Im so thankful that you are forever faithful and you never change..
Lord help me to stay strong, help me to fight the temptation to give in..you Lord are in control of my life, not my emotions and not Satan because I chose to serve you not him..You are the one who gave me life, who brought me out of the situation I was in for so long..You Lord are all I'll ever need..
Today Lord, help me to not worry about things I cannot contol..I put my trust in you Lord and I know that You will not let anything happen to me or my friends and family..Help me to be a light in the darkness, and not want to shut myself off from the ones who care most..
Father, tear down the walls that so often want to come up..Keep me close to my friends and not let me want to run and hide when i feel that things are going wrong..I know that i cant do that because it only causes the hurt and anger to get worse..I dont want to live as I did before...I am a new creation in you...your word says so and i know that you cannot lie...
Lord I love you with all i am, all i have and everything i ever hope to be..You are Lord of my life, My redeemer, My savior and friend. Your love means so much to me that I know i could never make it without you..I need you every second of every day..To you be all the glory the honor and the praise, In Jesus Name..Amen and Amen
Mon, Mar 13th - 5:55PM
Pretty good day
Today has been a pretty busy day. I worked this morning, it went well. I had alot of work, which is unusual. I usually finish with my work by 10:30 or 11 and today I didnt finish until almost noon. Eloy was in a good mood and his brother Rocky stayed most of the time in his room or outside.
When I got home, I called the mortgage company that is working on the deal with the house. I was supposed to have faxed Josh some stuff over the weekend but he never did give me the fax number so i had to call him this morning and get it, then when i got home I had to call again to find out for sure what he wanted me to fax over. There wasnt too much so i was able to find everything and get it sent when I took Trish to work.
When I got home I went into my room intending to do my bible study and the puppies started crying so I took the gate down and let them run in the room while i tried to study again. When I saw that wasnt working, I put them back in their area, put up the gate and went into the living room to talk to Carrie about somethings. Turned out, Stacie already had brought up most of it, although there was some slight miscommunication. So, I sat and talked to Carrie and we got it straightened out, I think.
This week we are having revival at our church, so I'm trying to keep my vocal chords warmed up. LOL...I'm looking forward to the services, and seeing what God has in store. Last night though I felt the service was cut a little short, but the service was good anyway.
Well I guess that's it for right now. Not too much to tell.
Sun, Mar 12th - 12:32AM
Tonight I feel a little more at peace than last night, although, I'm still concerned over my friend. With all the issues that we face in this ministry, its very easy to get caught up in our emotions, and sometimes we let our emotions take over and react in ways that we shouldnt.
With my friend, its hard to sit by and let things happen and see the hurt written all over her. I'm one of those people who are very sensitive and I pick up on alot of things..sometimes things that others may not even know that I pick up on. I tend to observe and watch others faces, because the face shows more than any body language. When people talk, its their expressions that shows how they are feeling. Even if they dont mean for their feelings to show. And I tend to want to speak for them instead of letting them speak and getting their emotions out.
The same thing goes for this friend. I tend to want to speak for her. I had no idea just how deeply she cares for this guy until tonight. But i am still concerned. I have promised myself not to interfere, to be there for both of them, and pray. I know in my heart that God has placed him in our lives, in all of our lives, for His reasons. And its our job to be there. I dont want to be asked by Jesus why I didnt take care of what He has given or why I didnt reach out to someone He placed on my path. In this ministry it is our job to help and reach out to those who are hurting and lonely or just plain unloved. I never realized just how many people out there who are hurting with no one to talk to.
Infact that is how I met my dearest and best friend. I was once the kind of person that we minister to. Thanks to God for putting my best friend in my life. With out Him doing that, I would probably still be in the same situation I was almost 2 years ago. I dont ever want someone to say that I never gave them unconditional love. Because that is exactly what God has called me to do.
Fri, Mar 10th - 11:50PM
Hurt and Turmoil Abound
Tonight i sit here burdened with a weight so big that I feel as if I'm stumbling. Every attempt I have made at getting my feelings out and letting God take what I'm feeling has been lost. Ive tried several times to get this posted and each time i have lost what i have written. So i definately know that what I need to write needs to get said!!!
My heart is breaking, little by little and has been for a couple of weeks now over someone that I love dearly. You see, I know that God has placed this person in my life for me to care for, to nurture and help grow spiritually, but lately it seems as if i am hitting my head against a brick wall and that wall isnt budging an inch! I have given almost everything I have in order to help this person reach her goals, and become the woman that God meant her to be. But yet, she still has yet to step out in faith and let God reign in every area of her life, most importantly, her relationships with others.
She's very withdrawn and seems to withdraw more and more every day. She doesnt talk, except to talk about the ministry, or just ramble. Never once have I heard her say what is truly on her heart, unless she thinks its something that we want to her. I see hurt and pain written all over her, in the way she walks, the way she reacts to things and yet she wont speak.
Tonight, was probably the worst of it all. She's been praying for God to place someone in her life. That special someone to be one in Christ and grow spiritually with. Someone to love her as she has always wanted to be loved and wont mistreat her or look down on her as her ex husband did. But, now that she's met this guy, she seems to not even want to trust God in it. She's blinded so badly that she can't see anything but him. We tried today to sit down with her and talk to her because today was their FIRST date and already they are talking marriage. I know that sometimes God works very quickly, but not so quickly that the person is blinded. I feel very strongly this relationship is not of God, but she wont listen.
There are two other people here besides myself who feels the same way. I dont want to see her get hurt, but i feel as if my hands are tied. I dont know what else to do except for crying out to God to show her. To open her eyes to the truth before its too late. Is she being selfish, going after someone for financial stability and not seeing his true self? Is she allowing what could be her being "known" in the community to blind her to something that could be very devastating? These are questions that are going over and over in my head and she denies it all.
I feel so tired, so weary in trying to minister because I feel as if all i have done has been in vain. But yet God's word says that it will not come back void. God cannot lie, this i know to be true, so if God can't lie, then why and how can she allow satan to so blatanly blind her when she used to be the the prayer warrior and most heartfelt worshipper I knew???? How can satan grip someone so tightly and keep them bound when they used to be an on fire child of God????
These questions just fill my mind and the hurt is so great that I cannot stand it. Father I cannot bear the thought of this special sister being hurt, nor can i stand the thought of satan controlling her life so completely that she is blinded by wanting a relationship so badly that she cannot see the nose on her own face. Lord, you know her heart, you know her desires. Father i ask that you take the blinders off her eyes, and let her see the truth before its too late. Father you put her in my life, you allowed her to become as a sister to me. i cannot bear the hurt Lord in seeing her walk away from you in order to have something that she desires so desperatey. Lord i know that you love her, she is your child. But i also know that you will not force your will upon us., That we make the decision whether or not to obey you. Lord I give this to you..Take this hurt from me Lord, and help me to stand strong and not grow weary in what you have called me to do. Help me, Carrie and Stacie bind together and help us to reach her. You Lord are the reason we live, the reason we breathe. In Jesus name, Amen and Amen
Thu, Mar 9th - 11:02PM
As the day draws closer to close on the house, I feel so excited that I could burst. I keep thinking, this is my house, MY HOUSE, MY HOME. But yet, there is still the fear of hearing NO that lingers. Its so hard to believe that its finally happening. And I know that with getting this house, comes the responsibility of keeping up on bills, and every other responsibility that goes along with it. But this time instead of dreading all that, I'm thinking of ways to do better and actually keep this house..
I know that this time, I can't just walk away. I can't just throw up my hands and say "Forget it!" This is my blessing from God, this i know in my heart because its only through God that we could have gotten approved for this loan. He made it possible for us to have a home to call our very own. And I honestly cannot wait until the day that the keys are in my hand, and I'm spending my first night there.
Now don't get me wrong..I love being here with Carrie and her family. But I also know that there comes a time when I have to step up and take responsibility for my life..and I know that time is now. Ive been doing alot of thinking and praying. And I can see that God is bringing me back around that mountain. And this time, I wont give up.
With the responsibility of the house, comes another blessing that Ive so longed for, and that's getting my kids for the summer. I cant wait for them to finally get to come out here and see how their momma lives and what kind of church i attend and to see how much their momma really and truly loves them. We have been apart for almost two years now. And I am just looking forward to holding them close to me. I want so much to just sit on the couch and cuddle them close. Of course I realize that some things have changed and those changes I'll have to get used to. But that will never change the fact that I love them and would do anything i could for them.
Another thing i am looking forward to is my husband coming home next month. We havent seen each other since August, and this time he will be home a whole month!!! This will be our chance to sit down and talk and get to know each other. To spend that quality one on one time.
And to be honest, it all scares me. But I know that God is in control of all things.
Lord you see all the changes that are about to take place in my life. Help me Lord to accept them and jump into the added responsibility. Father i ask that you just wrap your arms around me and take away all fear. Replace the fear with peace that passes all understanding. Lord make the transitions go smoothly. And help me to stand strong, on Your Word.
You are everything in my life and I wont be afraid because i know that you are with me. I love you Lord.
I give you all the glory, the honor and the praise! In Jesus name, Amen and Amen
Tue, Mar 7th - 11:27PM
Lord tonight I come to you with thankfulness and praise..Your goodness and mercy overflows in my life like a fountain, giving me joy so deep that I cant get enough of your presence. You Lord are sovereign, loving, merciful and you are forever faithful..There is nothing Lord that I wouldnt do for you because you loved me before i was even a thought in my parents minds...Your unrelenting love has been with me since i was born, protecting me and shielding me..I know Lord that even though I have strayed many times, you have always been there, waiting with open arms to recieve me back into your fold..
Lord you are my rock, my sword, refuge..You are my strong tower, my deliverer, my fortress...I love you Lord with all my heart, mind, body and soul..Your voice is like a breeze flowing over the ocean barely rippling the water..Your love is like a waterfall, cascading all around me...Your touch is like the wind, caressing my face...When I hear your voice, my heart burns with desire to know you more and more...It is because of you that I am who I am and where I am because without you I could never make it this far...
You keep every promise you make and i will stand on each and every one of them... I need you Lord, your touch, to hear your voice, to feel you holding me each and every moment..I know that without you carrying me through the hard times, I couldnt face a day..For you promised that you would never leave nor forsake me...Your word cannot come back void because You Lord cannot lie..
You are my Abba Father, my Alpha and Omega, My beginning and my end..you are everything good in my life...everything strong and everything sure...You are the Almighty God and I will spend eternity praising and loving you because there is nothing or no one who can compare to you...
I love you
I need you
I am yours
Tue, Mar 7th - 12:08AM
Praise God Almighty
Ever feel as if your prayers are hitting the ceiling and falling down around you? For the past almost two years I've felt this way on and off...For so long I ve longed to be able to get a loan and buy a home for me and my husband..In the last week or so, this is coming to pass so fast its making my head spin...
And yet, I'm still sitting in awe, waiting for the no to come..waiting for the bomb to drop..Never ever did i even think that we would qualify..and this brings to mind something that i went through two years ago with my best friend..
She and her husband were trying to get the loan for the house that she now lives in..She kept thinking that it wasnt going to go through and every day i would keep telling her that God was gonna bless them and sure enough..he did!!!
Now she is the one who is encouraging me...I'm so amazed at what all God is doing..Praise the lord for his love for us..
Sun, Mar 5th - 10:42PM
God is so amazingly wonderful
God is soooo amazingly wonderful!!!!
The last couple of days, Ive went from walking on the clouds to getting annoyed and back to walking on the clouds...different situations for every mood...but no matter what happens, I know that God has his hand on me..
Yesterday for example carrie and I were getting ready to go grocery shopping and get her nails done and were just pulling out of the driveway when the guy who is working on the loan for the house called wanting me to meet him so that i could go inside and get a good look around..I was alittle annoyed because we had already made plans..but when it comes to finding a home before danny comes home, i chose to bite my tongue and just go with it..when we got to the house..i was amazed at how cute it was..it even came with a washer and dryer..but carrie wanted me to look at some other houses......and im glad that i did...after looking at three different houses..he decided that he would show us another house..but he was a little leary because i had given him a precise price range..we went to look at it and i fell in love with it immediately..its a brick house..3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, a privacy fence and a huge back porch..and we qualified for the loan to boot!!!! Im so excited!!!!
Today started off with us kind of rushing to get to church this morning. but after we got there..and got through choir practice..the service was awesome..and the sermon pointed right at all of us..it was on faith..and it helped me to see alot of things..
when we got home tho..the mood was broken because my dog ( chubby) had chewed through his kennel and tore up trish and stacies room pretty badly..we decided that someone should start staying at home with the dogs and carrie said that they were her responsibility..i didnt feel right at all about her having to miss and i was in half a mind to have trish drive her and stacie and me stay home to help,..but in t he end all of us decided to stay and just hang out...we ended up playing basketball with the kids...all the girls against matthew..and we won 30 to 8..tomorrow is supposed to be the rematch..it was pretty fun..
all in all this weekend has been really great..ive felt really good..im so glad that i refused to let the doctor admit me in the hospital..i know that God can heal me.. and im believing it with all my heart..the scripture that i stand on is Isaiah 53:5....
He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon him and by HIS stripes we are healed!!!!!!
God bless you all..
Thu, Mar 2nd - 12:29PM
This morning I had a dr appointment and it didnt go so well..I had gone in for a physical, but the doctor wouldnt do it because my asthma was acting up..instead he listened to my chest, telling me to take deep breaths, even though i couldnt..then he got after me because my inhalor had run out and it didnt have refills..grr...then he checked my blood sugar and it was 560...so he then proceeded to tell me that I needed to be admitted to the hospital..which i refused because i have responsibilities here. but, he said that if i got worse he was admitting me whether i wanted to be or not........grrrrrr...he gave me a breathing treatment and refilled the presciption for my inhaler..and then prescribed another one..and stopped the one blood sugar medicine because he said he didnt like the side effects and put me on another..he then wrote a prescription for the test strips..and said im to test it 4 times a day...geesh..:)
anyways..he told me to take today and tomorrow off work..and that IF im better i can go back monday..but IN Jesus name i will be!!!!!
although i know we have to be good stewards and take care of ourselves, the thought of being put back in the hospital is not my idea of letting God take away our ailments..I know that he gave doctors the knowledge for a reason..but i do have responsibilities here at home..for one im the only one with a car (besides carrie's husband) and i help take care of stacie..its not that i dont trust anyone else with the car..its that no one else is on my insurance right now..
Father in heaven
Lord you know the situation..you know my heart..In the name of Jesus take away the breathing problems and the high blood sugar..bring them into alignment with your spirit and your word..you said in Isaiah 53:5 that by your stripes we ARE healed..and Lord I believe with all my heart that you dont want anyone of your children to be ill..bring complete healing Lord..i know that you are able and i know that you cannot lie..i trust you Lord that you will do as you have promised because you are forever faithful..
Lord i lift my heart and soul to you in praise..you are my Abba Daddy, my King of all Kings...my Savior, my Redeemer, my Confidant, my Shepherd..you are EVERYTHING to me..and i love you with all my heart, mind body and soul..you are my rock, my sword, my strength, my shield..my refuge, my fortress...When you speak, everything else is silent in your presence...when you hold me, i am safe and secure..you are the Alpha and omega the beginning and the end and i will worship you forever and ever...
Amen and Amen
Wed, Mar 1st - 12:54PM
Well, after I posted the post yesterday about my dad and daughter, Satan really attacked full force..Someone very dear to me hurt me in a way that I never believed that person would ever think of doing..You see, before I came out to Texas for a new beginning, and even sometime thereafter, I had a problem with lying..God has been working in me and I too have been working on fixing this problem. Its been quite a while since I have given in to the temptation, but there is still an issue of trust between me and my best friend. This person, after telling me one thing, went and told my best friend another..and that caused my best friend to come to me thinking that once again I had lied to her..we finally sat down with this other person and after a while she admitted to what she had done...All I could do was cry..then i got angry..because this person knew about this issue, and yet she did what she did anyways...I have forgiven her..but it still really hurts me to know that she would do such a thing and i dont know how to deal with the hurt other than through prayer..you see, God brought me and my three best friends together..and i know that satan will try to tear down what God has built up.. we all have a special bond..a bond that i know is only possible through God himself. And i know that satan tries to bring division where there is unity through Christ..so yes..this was a blatant attack, one in which i have lost trust in someone i once trusted..
Father in heaven,
Lord you know the situation..you know the hurt that not only i felt but everyone else here too..Lord you said that what you have brought together let no one tear apart..IN the name of JESUS i ask FAther that you help us get through this rough time..Let us not get into our flesh Father but allow us to walk in your spirit even through the toughest times..Father give me the discernment I need to see through the barriers that Satan keeps trying to place in our path..Father you brought us together...you placed us in each others lives for a reason..and I trust that you will take care of this situation as you have all others..Father i dont know how to deal with the hurt so i am handing it to you for you to take care of..YOu know who i am referring to in the blog passage above..i ask Lord that you soften her heart..i dont know her heart only you do..you know what she is dealing with..and Lord only you know how to take care of it all..i only long to love as you have loved us Lord..help me not to get bitter but to love her as you would love her..In Jesus name, Amen and Amen
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