Wed, Nov 30th - 6:31PM
Today was my first day working in 4 years and i really have to say that i really enjoyed it.
the man i take care of had a stroke and is wheelchair bound. he and his wife are two very sweet people. the job is pretty simple...i was there four hours today and all i did was sweep, mop, fold laundry and vaccum..the hours are good...4 hours a day, 5 days a week, mon thru fri so i didnt even have to ask for my sundays off...Praise God!!!
today for the first time in a long time i feel like i actually accomplished something. i know now that i can do whatever i put my mind to and i plan to stick with this job as long as God lets me.
Mon, Nov 28th - 11:17PM
There isnt much really to say tonight...Thanksgiving was pretty fun..Trish, Jolene and I prepared dinner. Carrie went with her husband to his brothers and was gone most of the day so we sat around and watched movies and dozed on and off most of the day. It was probably one of the quietest Thanksgivings I've had...
Over the weekend there wasnt a whole lot that went on..its been fairly quiet here...but i will say that im still feeling really good about things and how i feel. i wasnt feeling very good yesterday but i think it was because i stayed up soo late the night before....carrie and i sat up playing our sims games til 4:30 even though we both knew we had church...but we didnt miss...
the service was awesome and we had an altar call in which we all went up.
i layed down after church and slept for a while...needless to say that only made me feel worse.....i was stiff from sitting in front of my computer for so long
today was a good day too...the puppies didnt get up until after nine so i got to sleep in...i cleaned up the house and got my laundry done...i played sims for a while...its been pretty good today
Wed, Nov 23rd - 6:23PM
Today has been a pretty good day..although im kind of down but im fighting with not giving in and wallowing in those feelings...this is the second Thanksgiving that i havent been around my family and honestly that is a good thing because of all the emotional strife that is involved...we were planning on having communion before dinner but Carrie is going with her husband to his family's which means that me stacie jolene and trish are going to be here alone most of the day...
things are actually going pretty well and im looking forward to the holidays..im supposed to go to west virginia for a couple of days and i dont know whether to be excited or to dread the trip...it means that i will have to face most of the junk in my past and i honestly dont know if i am ready to do that..
the people that i am looking forward to seeing the most is my mom and my kids...
Tue, Nov 22nd - 10:21PM
God is good!!!
today has been really good...i got up a little later than planned but that's ok i still was able to get things done that needed to be done...i took some money out of the bank to help get the rest of what was needed for dinner and to help carrie and dwayne with their mortgage...
i love to be able to help out as much as i can no matter what the help may be..
id emailed my brother the other day..we havent gotten along much of our lives but i want to be able to reach out to him and his family and show them Christ's love...i love him dearly..he is my only brother and i hate to see the kind of life he is leading...
my heart tho is with my kids tonight...i havent spoken to them in about a month and i really miss them..im prayng that when i go to west virginia next month that i will be able to spend some much needed quality time with my babies...
it is so awesome to see what God is doing in my life..ive been in the word more and praying almost every second as i go through out the day..i can feel Him leading me again and there is no doubt that im growing again because i feel so much stronger than before..im so thankful that He has taken control again and that he reigns totally....
Sun, Nov 20th - 11:38PM
Today has been an awesome day..we had our Thanksgiving dinner at the church this morning and Pastor had everyone stand and give their testimonies.
After church we came home and a friend of ours that met us at the church came over and spent the day...we all sang karaoke and then this evening we watched The passion...as always i ended up in tears cuddled under my blanket...ive been pretty quiet since because that movie always gets to me..it tears me up to see what my Savior went through on that cross to give us life.
the rest of the evening has been pretty quiet. ive been trying to not follow carrie around so much, even though ive wanted to sit and talk..i know that she has alot to handle and she also needs time to spend with her family...
i was thinking about everything in my life that i have to be thankful for...i have such a wonderful adopted family here in texas...my best friend whom i love dearly and my sissies here ..im thankful for the new friends that God is placing in my life and for old friends who i have known over the years..God is so very awesome...i cant ever repay Him for all he is doing. im thankful that i was raised in a loving, christian home where we were taught about Christ....and for Him bringing me out of an abusive situation into a home where love over flows.....
Sun, Nov 20th - 1:05AM
Today was a very good day..we went to the movies and everyone but me and jolene chose to see chicken little. the two of us chose to go see dreamer. and im glad that i did..it was a really good movie..any movie that makes me cry is a good one.
we made a few stops at the store afterward and then we came home. i went to my room for a little bit of quiet time and ended up unintentionally falling asleep but when i woke up, i was refreshed, which was indeed a very good thing.
i studied in the book i have been studying on, played my game and sat down to write but the words just dont seem to want to flow tonight.
i dont know if it is because i have writer's block or not but i do know that when the Lord wants the words to come they will. it will just take a little more time and patience on my part..
thank you Lord for allowing me to have such a wonderful week. i know that without you it never would have been possible
Fri, Nov 18th - 5:39PM
Today was another great day...although i must say i am totally worn out...i cleaned the house again this time i steam cleaned the carpets too...i wanted to help carrie out as much as i could.
they went to walmart and to the bible book store but i chose to stay behind so that i could relax alittle because ive been a little more tired than usual. the puppies are fun to sleep with but they get up awfully early.
we are expecting dwayne's mom to be here anytime now...im alittle nervous..i get that way around people i havent met. carrie says she's pretty down to earth so im trying not to get any more nervous than i am.
i emailed my brother for the first time in a very long time today. i figure its about time to mend some fences. i know that i dont have to be close to him but that i can love him from a distance. but the bible says we are to love one another... even if its someone that you would rather not be around. all i want is to do Gods will....
im just so happy that i cant express it..i told carrie this morning that i feel like i did when i first came out here from west virginia and that i liked this person that i am..she told me to hold to that especially when i start feeling down and doubting.
it feels so good to know that im finally getting back to where i need to be not only with God but with myself and those I love...God is so awesome especially when we let go and let Him do His will..
Fri, Nov 18th - 1:59AM
all i can say is God is awesome!!!!
the past four days have been soooooo good. im still floating on cloud 9 because i feel so much more like myself. im not out of it nor am i crying all the time. ive been able to make decisions better and im thinking alot more clearly.
the only thing tho that im struggling with is being tired. i cant seem to get enough sleep even though i havent had any problems sleeping. again tonight i fell asleep in the living room this time Carrie dumped water on me.....hahahahaha....usually i get upset and end up crying but this time it really didnt bother me. besides i know that carrie loves me and that's all that really matters. we pull pranks on trish all the time and i want to be able to join in the fun even if it means that i get something dumped on me...............................
i can actually say that i did really good this time money wise..i was aa cactually able to put some money in the bank, even though most of it goes on child support. im really wanting to be able to save more cos i want to be able to get a car and an apartment before my husband comes home.
we watched a new movie tonight called the sister hood of the traveling pants..it was really good, any movie that can make me cry is a good one!!!
i'm so thankful that I have once again let God have control of my life. i know that my Jesus would never allow me to carry more than i can bear but its better yet that i can go to him and give him all of me. Praise God for his faithfulness
Thu, Nov 17th - 10:17AM
Yesterday was again a good day. i cleaned the house from top to bottom and actually wore myself out...hahahaha
I did end up crying tho I went to walmart to get some things needed around the house and i dont like going anywhere like that alone. but its all good because i got what was needed, except for a couple of things i'd forgotten.
when i pulled in the driveway, another friend of ours car was here. we havent seen her since july and it really surprised me. she had her little boy with her and he is the one i focused most of my attention to. he is soooo adorable.
trish came over and we all went to church. the study we did last night was soo awesome and it hit totally at home with me. it went right along with the decision i made to just let God take over.
after church we stopped at the store and got some soda and tea bags and came home. i stayed back in the office for a while and then ended up going to where carrie was at. that's not unusual especially if i feel uncomfortable. i worked on my study from the book from joyce meyers for a while and then we decided we were going to put the blonde streaks in our hair. it ended up that only carrie and stacie had theirs done. we had started mine but by then i was so tired that i couldnt stay a wake so i just went ahead and took the cap off and went to bed.
it was another good day and i just praise God for what he is doing in my life.
Tue, Nov 15th - 8:09PM
Today was absolutely the most awesome day I've had in a very long time. I woke up this morning thanking God for another day and just feeling so good that it was like looking at the world for the first time. I spent about an hour studying a work book that carrie had given me called "the mind is our battlefield" by joyce meyers. its awesome!!!
we went to half price books and i found like 4 bibles that caught my eye but ended up only buying two.one is called the encouragement bible and the other is the serendepity. i also bought some work books for carrie and jolene and a couple of books for stacie...we then went to Kohls and i bought Carrie a new coffee pot and all of us a new purse...we got chinese for supper and right now im feeling so good that i wanted to tell everyone!!!
its beeen a wonderful blessed day
Mon, Nov 14th - 8:32PM
Monday, November 14, 2005
Today started out with me crying over absolutely nothing but has improved greatly as time has gone on. I called and talked to my Pastor because I was very tempted to just check myself into a hospital to be evaluated. Pastor sat and talked with me and prayed with me and told me that ultimately it was my decision but to make sure it was really what God wanted for me to do.
I also sat and talked to Carrie. Iíve decided that even though the drís say I need this medicine that I need God more and the medicine wasnít doing anything to help and was only making me worse than I ever was before.
After making the decision, I have felt so much better today. Being on the meds isnít something I had wanted to do in the first place but I realized that it was one option. I had been on meds in West Virginia and they hadnít helped me there. I had decided back then that I was going to depend on God to heal me. I ah also three months ago depended on God to heal me from diabetes and He has healed me totally from that. So once again, Iím handing everything to God and letting Him take control.
This afternoon has been so much better since making the decision. I feel much more at peace with God because I felt that He was waiting for me to take that step of faith and just believe that He could and would. I know He doesnít give us more than we can bare. He is able to so much more than we could ask or even think and Iím so glad that I have God in my life.
Praise be to God for his love and grace in my life. Iím so thankful that he is who he is and that he never ever changesÖÖ.
Sat, Nov 12th - 9:47PM
definate down day
Well today has been a down day so far. I got up about 1pm and from the time I got up til just a little while ago I spent thinking that carrie was mad..i donít like even the thought that she could be mad at me..but I asked her about it and she told me she wasnítÖ.it upsets me that I seem to depend on her for everything instead of depending on God for my joy and thankfulness. I cant seem to get past that even though I know its God that I need to be depending on. I want my life to be lived in such a way that everyone knows that Christ is everything in my life. If I am depending on Carrie then how is everyone going to see Christ in me??
I sat outside and prayed that God would strengthen me and heal me of this bi polar and that he would help me get through each day as he saw fit. I know and believe in my heart that God is my healer and that he can heal me..what I donít understand is if I had Jesus in my heart and believe his word, how I can be diagnosed with this when jesus is the one who is supposed to be my all in all and how could my mind be so easily messed with.
I want to live my life for Christ. I want to do what I am supposed to be doing, what He called me into the ministry for. But half the time, I donít even want to get out of bed. He called me here to texas for a reason and I know that the reason was to reach out to those who have been through what I have been through. The only thing is now I have this new thing that im dealing with and I donít understand how if I had Christ in my heart in the first place, I could be diagnosed with a mental illness if Godís word and spirit is supposed to be in me. I fight with this question daily..i have been serving God since I was 27 although not always faithfully. And in that question, if I have Christ, wont his spirit bring about stability??
I know that we are supposed to have faith and receive our healings and speak life. Thinking positive is supposed to bring about life. according to what my dr said, my brain isnít processing positive thoughts but all negative. I put the word of god in my mind, I pray and I worship and yet I still have this illness. Christ is supposed to be my stability. He is my strength and I know that he is truly all I have because I donít feel that anyone truly understands what I am going through and he knows all. Its like being in a bottle trapped and fighting to find a way out.
I remember the day that we found out that my mom has a genetic mental disorder and the questions constantly bring to mind are if I could have it and the doctors arenít doing the right tests that would bring the answers. I also remember sitting and watching her as the doctors fought to find out what was causing all the mental stress and why she was doing the things she was doing. I saw her hit my dad not realizing what she was doing. I heard her say things id never in my life heard come from her. It put a lot of stress on everyone around because we felt as if we were walking on egg shells. I told myself then that I never wanted anyone around me to go through something like that with me. and yet here I am doing the same thing. No one quite knows how to talk to me or approach me with things. And I donít know how to answer the questions it brings,. I fight all the time with bringing all this on carrie and her family. But yet I donít know how to get past it. It makes me feel like a child who has never grown up and instead of my parents being there for me im depending on my best friend to be the mother I need instead of becoming the adult that I need to be. I donít want to give into this. But everyday is a battle to stay strong and I get so tired of fighting. I donít want my best friend to have to take on the role of mom with me. I donít want her to have to worry all the time about whether or not I can make it on my own. Or whether or not im going to spend the day depressed if I get a place of my own. I want our relationship to be what God meant it to be. And I donít want everyone in the house to know the struggle that I have every day. To me itís a private thing. And when they do know I feel as if I am being talked about and I canít handle that either.
Here is what I really and truly wantÖmy goals I guess you could say
I want to get a job, a car, and my own place.
Iwant to prove to others and myself that I can make it without having to lean on everyone else.
I want the relationship I had with carrie to become what it was instead of it being a mother daughter thing.
And I want my husband to love me for who I amÖthe same with everyone else. Iím so afraid of losing him when he comes home and finds that im fighting a daily battle. I donít want to scare him away if Iím not who he thinks that I should be and the same goes with carrie. I want so much to make the both of them proud of me and I feel that I keep messing up and cant fix it.
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Thu, Nov 10th - 10:55PM
I guess today must have been one of my down days. i was so worn out that all i really wanted to do was sleep but ive finally gotten on a schedule that i like and i dont want to mess it up by sleeping all day.
i finally got my closet straightened out. i took out every thing and then put everything back so that i could atleast walk in there. then i set up my room to where when i feel that anxious feeling i can go into my room and turn on the worship music and draw or write or crochet. i did it for a while this evening but i guess it didnt work.
im having alot of problems with memories coming out that i've blocked. i dont know what to do or how to speak them out so ive been just praying through them. i want to have a counselling session in the morning with carrie so that we can talk these over and hopefully find out if they are really memories or the power of suggestion from a question i had been asked.
tomorrow i have to go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription refill for the risperdol. it helps me sleep and keeps me pretty calm which is something that id had problems with. im looking forward to having a good day. i have noticed that if i fill my time with crocheting, or doing something i like to do im not as apt to get down and i feel really good.
Wed, Nov 9th - 10:50PM
Today has been pretty good. Trish took Carrie and I and had our nails done. We spent some much needed but very rare time together just the three of us. That has rarely happened in a couple of months now. I think Trish really likes the guy who does our nails. She blushed the entire time we were there and when we even mention him she gets red and her head goes downÖhahahaha
We came home just in time to finish watching General Hospital and then we all just pretty much sat around and talked. We played a couple of pranks on Trish but she didnít fall for them the way she normally does.
We went to church tonight but it was kind of weird because im used to Carrie being in the car with us and tonight Dwayne decided he was going to go to our church so Stacie and I rode with Jolene so that Carrie could ride with her husband. We got to church alittle early and ended up moving from the back to the front. I usually prefer the back but Iím working on the anxiety and fear I feel when thereís a lot of people around and I really really wanted Carrie to be proud of me.
Poor Trish has just waited all day on her laptop she got from Colortyme and they still arenít here with it and I know the girl is getting anxious because she had bought another one and paid almost four hundred and they gipped her.
Its been kind of a quiet day. I still donít feel good but I do feel better and not coughing the way I was. Im looking forward to a little bit of time just relaxing and being able to sit in the dining room and playing my game before bed.
Wed, Nov 9th - 12:04AM
Have you ever wondered?
i sit back and look back over the past few weeks and wonder why.
Why do I have to be the one to go through all this emotional stuff that i have been dealing with?
Why did I have to be the one who suffered so much abuse and now am dealing with all the backflashes and nightmares and emotional scars?
A couple of weeks ago my dr diagnosed me with Bi Polar and prescribed medications. since then it seems like i have been on an emotional roller coaster going from being happy to being depressed and even angry. ive lashed out at people i love not meaning to and wanting to cling to my best friend but also wanting to push away because of the fears that Satan keeps putting into my mind.
thelast few days tho have been pretty peacefilled. i havent lashed out and i havent been angry or upset or depressed. a feeling of calmness and peace have settled over me and im enjoying every minute.
Tue, Nov 8th - 11:45PM
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