Wed, Mar 28th - 12:39AM

thinking

Tonight's been a quiet night for me. For starters I didnt wake up until after 8 pm. I'm usually up by 5 at the latest. It takes me a little while to get awake enough to actually hold a conversation tho, so I really didnt talk to much to anyone before Carrie and Heather went to work.

I feel so at peace though that its almost like being in a dream. It's the same peace I felt almost three years ago when I came to Texas for the first time. When I got off the bus then I knew I was home, and I feel the same way now. There is no doubt, no confusion, no what if's. I know in my heart this is truly where I am meant to be.

Things here at the house are going well. Carrie and I have our quiet times when we just sit and drink coffee or just sit and watch tv from the dining room table. Then there is our talk times, usually when no one else is around where we talk about what each other would like to see come out of our lives, and our friendship. Then there's work, which alot of the time is what our conversations are based around because there is so much going on there, not only with the residents but with our co workers too. There's so many there that I'd like to be able to reach out to and really minister to.

I've started thinking again about getting my own place. I know that it may take sometime, especially since i've got a few bills that need to be paid off first so that i'll atleast be able to get the utilities turned on. And there's also me getting a car. This time is different tho, I dont feel so pressured to get it done. I know that God is going to provide everything I need, so there's no concern over whether things are going to happen or not. The only problem i have is waiting on God. I have no patience, especially when it comes to things that I really, really want. I know though that everything happens in God's timing, whether we are patient or not.

I'm so  happy now and at peace. For a couple of days, i did actually question whether I'd  made the right decision. But God has shown me over and over that this is precisely where He wants me to be. There is no doubt left, no wondering, no questions. Its so good to be back home where I belong.

Mon, Mar 26th - 12:48AM

ALOT has happened since the last time i was here

Things have been really crazy and really spiralled out of control there for a while. I let my emotions get to me and ended up leaving Texas in November, without telling anyone anything. I put myself into a shelter because my house was being auctioned off. And then when I got my check, I hopped a bus and went back to West Virginia. My whole plan was to get things  under control and start all over again.

Things didnt happen the way I'd planned tho. I ended up back where I started from almost three years ago, only worse. Back then I was almost a hermit, not even going to get groceries. This time, I started drinking and popping pain killers. I  was pretty well out of it for a while. But then back in February, I had a heart attack. It really brought me back to my senses. And I got myself back in church and started asking God to reveal just where He wanted to be.

Now during this time, my relationship with my best was rocky and I'd hurt her so much when I left that I thought she'd never forgive me. Every time we talked, either she ended up upset or I ended up in tears. Finally tho I got tired of all the junk that was happening and decided to take a stand. So, on March 14th, I boarded another bus and made my way back home. Once I got here, I called my old boss at the nursing home and talked to her about getting my job back. At first she wasnt going to hire me back, because of the way I'd left. But then she had a change of heart and I started back last wednesday.

Praise God for second chances. Things are now better with my best friend. I'm staying here at her house and she is allowing me to use her vehicle and even went and bought us both a cell phone and put us on a shared plan until i can put mine in my name. we're talking more and im starting to feel alot more comfortable. and work is just as awesome as it was before. the residents are great and im beginning to feel myself opening back up with them also. Things are looking great and I'm just so happy that i feel like my heart could just burst.