Tue, Feb 7th - 2:43AM
I am searching for words
I need to be bold, and the injury I suffer can be no worse than it is now, and yet still my strength flags and fails me when I need to speak. I need to speak of who I am, and the journey I have gone through, and still endure today. I do not fear judgement in the ultimate sense, but understand fully what the judgement of my fellow man can mean. I have been in a place of suffering for a while. I do not know where my breaking point is, and thought it should have been reached long ago. So I have to pray strength for this bit of time. Today, this hour, for the next five minutes. It varies. I hope that my suffering is for the Lord. I hope that my suffering is because I struggle all the more to do what is right. My righteousness is nothing, so I should consider it unworthy of gain. It can buy me nothing. Yet I must try to do what is right for it is what the Lord would ask of me. I am fearful, and have to test my faith by pushing past the fear. This is not an easy thing for me. Understand that I am a man of the mind, and that makes following what sometimes seems against logic, and yet in line with paradoxical truth, a struggle of the most primal and basic sort. I struggle at the very root and core of who I am, and victories are often hard for me to see in the midst of the ongoing battle. My children as of yet, are unblemished by all of this. For that alone, I am grateful.
Things are still grim, but I take it one moment at a time. I will make it, but unsure of how. As for lessons to learn, I am so deep in the heart of the darkness of despair at times it is truly hard to know what is the lesson? So I suffer, since it is all I can do. For the most part, it is something brought upon myself. I may lose my home, but that is nothing. I may lose my family, and that is everything. Pray for grace so great that it is undeniably from God. I have little faith that my prayer would be answered, for as I said, this is in part a consequence of the trips I have strayed off the path. So in faith, I believe I may be getting justice when I would prefer mercy. I cannot pray against that in good faith. But I could pray this for someone else, so I ask you to pray this for me.
I have much more to share, and don't know where to begin. I could just spit it out indiscriminately as it comes to me, but I am hard enough to follow as it is, so I will give it more thought. A weak excuse to keep from doing what I know I need to do for about 2 weeks now. Transparency. A very frightening thing. A very bold thing. In the wisdom of this world, a very stupid thing. I am convinced, however, that it is just what God desires from us. Transparency to each other. Transparency even to the world. Let the light in, and let the light out.